Monster of Logic IF
by Alxariam
Summary: A collection of tales of Hachiman's life in Gensokyo if fate had chosen a different plan for him. Or, more accurately, just a bunch of dumb non-canon ideas I came up with.
1. Moriya Shrine

Fear makes us do stupid things. Hm? What did I do, you ask? I'm afraid you've misunderstood. It wasn't me that did something stupid. It was the guards of the human village. After a series of strange events, I found myself staring down a sword in the hand of a terrified guard. Feeling pissed, I told him I would leave if he gave me directions to the shrine. At the time, I hadn't thought to specify beyond that. I mean, how was I supposed to know there was more than one shrine? I hadn't even known Gensokyo existed at the time. Regardless, the Hakurei shrine is normally what people think of when you say, 'the shrine.' Normally. In this scenario, the guard was so inexplicably afraid of me that he would have said or done just about anything to get me out of there. And so, he said the first thing that popped into his head. He gave me directions to _a_ shrine, just not the one I was looking for. None the wiser to my twist of fate, I went on my way. Rather than go through the Forest of Magic as I might have in another life, I took the tram up Youkai Mountain.

To my surprise, I was greeted by a goddess when I reached the shrine. No, that wasn't hyperbole. I was greeted by a literal goddess. Two goddesses, actually. However, one of them is a bit… Well. Actually, it's more like two and a half if you count Sanae, which I don't, but- You know what, I'm getting off track here. I didn't believe them when they told me this, but they made a series of _very_ compelling arguments. Apparently they were the ones that set up the tramway for villagers to use, but hardly anyone actually visited them. When I explained my reasons for coming to their shrine, they seemed very confused. Most of them, anyways. One of them just continued to stare at me.

After explaining my circumstances to them, they had a good laugh over the misunderstanding. We made our introductions, and they explained everything about Gensokyo and that I was something called an Outsider, along with everything that entailed. Sanae offered to take me to the Hakurei shrine to get me home, even though she was practically crying tears of blood while making the offer. In spite of the detour, everything seemed to be looking up. Of course, that's when everything went belly up.

"_I love you! Please stay here!"_

Now, it's a common trope that a young high school boy such as myself suddenly finding themselves in a strange new place surrounded by three girls would find himself on the receiving end of a maiden's love, after raising the proper flags of course. I'm sad to say that this is the truth. Gensokyo is a land of fantasy, and it seems that encompasses young men's dreams as well.

I'm sure you're wondering who I'm speaking of. Could it be Sanae? After all, we're around the same age. We were both born and raised in Japan, so we shared a common ground that few in Gensokyo would understand. Together, we're the only ones capable of understanding each other in this strange land. What starts out as a friendship between a man and a woman can so easily blossom into love given close proximity to each other. I was confident that we were developing a friendly relationship, so it was only a matter of time, right? Well, no. While I stand by my statement of our developing friendship, romance wasn't in the cards to begin with. How was I sure of this, you ask? Because I kept catching her staring at Reimu's butt and NTR is a trash genre. God speed, Sanae.

If not Sanae, then perhaps the lovely lady Kanako? After all, even I admit that she is an exceedingly gorgeous woman. On top of that, her brash demeanor adds another layer to her charm that anyone could appreciate. Beyond that, I wholeheartedly admired her drive to drag this backwater fantasy land kicking and screaming into the 21st century. I missed my games, damn it! Sadly, Kanako was quite similar to Hiratsuka in all the worst ways. Rather than take romance into her own hands, she was determined to wait for a fairy tale prince to sweep her off her feet. However, unlike Hiratsuka, Kanako had been waiting for _far_ longer. I admire your perseverance, Kanako. Please stay strong. Someone take her already!

If you have any meta knowledge and you're able to count as high as 3, then you've likely arrived at the correct answer via process of elimination. That's right, I was being pursued by-

"Hacchan!" Suwako's voice snapped me out of my recollection. "Are you listening to me?" She sternly narrowed her eyes at me.

"No." I stated bluntly and without shame.

"Mou! W-Well, I suppose I can forgive you. Just this once." She smiled bashfully at me with her eyes upturned just so. It was a look that was carefully orchestrated to tug at your heartstrings.

"I don't care. Please stop touching me." I spoke coldly while continuing to eat my dinner. That was why I had killed my heart long ago. However, rather than be upset, Suwako simply smiled and hummed happily while clinging onto my arm. I had long ago learned the futility of trying to pry her off myself. I did my best to ignore the snickering of the peanut gallery. Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up. Must be nice to make fun of other people's love lives when yours are such a mess.

"More rice for the happy couple?" Sanae offered with a smirk.

"Of course!" "Shut up. Please die." Suwako and I spoke at the same time. Suwako accepted the dish from a smug Sanae and proceeded to scoop out heaping amounts of rice onto both our plates before passing it back. I stared down at my plate. She had created a heart out of the rice. I decided to eat some of the other side dishes instead. I very carefully pretended not to notice Suwako's pout. Not for the first time, Kanako laughed at my displeasure while getting drunk off her ass. That's right. I was being pursued by the kind of girl that, were I to accept her advances, would invite scorn from my friends, family, and society. I wasn't exactly teeming with positive qualities, so I could be forgiven for steering clear of that.

"Just give up, Hachiman. Suwako does this every century or so, and I've never seen her lose interest when someone catches her eye. She's going to be like this even when you're old and wrinkly." I grimaced at the mental image that conjured of an old man with rotten eyes being doted on by a young girl.

"With all due respect, Kanako… No. Just… No." How can I state this any more clearly for you? What aren't you getting about this?

"That's Kanako-_sama_ to you! Show at least _some_ respect for my standing." Sorry, Kanako. That ship sailed when I had to hold your hair back for you after you drank too much… The first time, that is.

"That's right, Hacchan! You shouldn't look down on me. I was old and powerful when Japan was still young. I've seen civilizations rise and fall before my eyes. As your goddess, I demand your respect." She firmly declared this while staring me down with fire in her eyes, as if daring me to dispute her claims. In response, I simply stared back with no expression at all. As expected, she fidgeted slightly as her face slowly began to redden. Just as she had every time before, she looked away with bright red ears and a dopey grin on her face. My point made, I looked back to Kanako.

"Exactly what part of that am I supposed to be respecting?" I asked. Tellingly, both Kanako and Sanae refused to meet my gaze. Yeah, that's what I thought. I continued to eat around the rice heart on my plate, satisfied with the temporary peace I had won. It wouldn't last long, so I needed to eat while I could. Say what you want about the company, but at least the food was good.

You may be wondering why I'm still here, rather than back in my peaceful home. Of course I tried. In fact, I succeeded! I'd appreciate if you didn't look down on me too much. After that bit of chaos with Suwako's sudden confession and my immediate refusal, Sanae led me to Reimu's shrine. Nice girl, that one. Little blunt, though. Anyhow, she simply had me close me eyes, chanted some sutra, and the next thing I knew I was standing next to the bike rack at school. By the time I made it home, my sister was absolutely sick with worry. I only managed to calm her down by telling her I fell asleep on the train and missed my stop, and that my phone had also died. With her worries assuaged, I dragged myself into my bed where I could sleep off the day's events like a bad dream.

Then I woke up in the forest. Again. After returning to Reimu's shrine, she emphatically refused to send me through until I 'got my shit together' and got rid of whatever was sending me here. As an alternative, she offered to send me through once more if I wanted to say my goodbyes to my friends and family. In a nutshell, 'I'm only sending you back one more time, so you better make it count.' She told me to find shelter in the human village, but I already knew that option was out. With no other options, I sought out the aid of the only people to have shown me kindness in this land. Well, besides Rumia.

Of course, they were all too willing to take me in, in exchange for manual labor. Sanae was happy to receive the help, Kanako was happy to gain another 'worshipper', and Suwako… Well. The less said there, the better. After receiving a generous offer to sleep in Suwako's bed with her every night, I found myself crashing on their couch. All in all, it wasn't so bad. It wasn't quite being a house husband, but it was close enough for my liking. Of course, I had to keep Suwako from ever finding out about that life goal of mine. My chastity is at stake here!

* * *

A/N - Hi everyone! Some of you might be wondering "What the hell is this" right about now. The answer, my friends... is non-canon crack. These are just some silly "what if" prompts that give me a chance to write some characters that either haven't been introduced yet or simply never will be. More importantly, it's nice to take a break from the main fic once in a while. Speaking of which, chapter 7 is still being worked on, but it's currently undergoing some intensive rewriting. Sorry! It'll be out eventually! Also, you should check out NOT 80K Hikigaya's stuff. They also write Monster of Logic sidestories, as well as some other good content. Got one more chapter to post after this one and then that's it until I eventually get inspired for more. Bye for now!


	2. Garden of The Sun

It was a normal day like any other. The sun was just beginning to sink towards the horizon, there wasn't a cloud in the sky, and I had my flowers to keep me company. Sadly, I _only_ had my flowers to keep me company. However, we all must make the best of our circumstances.

"My, you've been growing so well! I wonder if you could be persuaded to share the secrets with the rest of your family." I smiled happily at my latest project. The results had been quite promising thus far.

'_Oh Yuuka-chan! If I've truly grown so well, then it's only because your hard work has made it so!'_ The sunflower responded calmly while appearing to nod slightly from the breeze. I blushed in embarrassment from the honest praise.

"Kyaa~! Such a charmer! I didn't raise you to be like this, young man!" I playfully chided the sunflower.

'_Nonsense. If I seem charming, then it's only because I gleamed a small fraction of your endless charm for myself.' _I blushed and fidgeted in place. For a while, there was silence. Then, I sighed.

"…Why am I talking to my sunflowers again?" I wondered aloud. It's not as if we were truly conversing. I was simply projecting my own thoughts into them with my abilities. I didn't know why I bothered. Speaking to myself through my flowers always made me feel lonelier than if I had never tried in the first place, yet I kept doing so.

'_It's because you do things like this that everyone is afraid of you.'_ The sunflower helpfully supplied. I scowled.

"Yes, well, no one asked you." I sniffed. Thankfully, before I could make the flower respond, I sensed an intruder on the perimeter of my garden. "Hm? A guest? I wonder who it could be…" I wondered aloud. Hopefully it was not another angry mob. My reputation had yet to recover from the last time I had to turn one of those away.

* * *

Life is made up of many winding and twisting paths that intersect seemingly randomly, divided only by choices we weren't aware we were even making. For example, think about your first crush. You likely chickened out of asking them out and never went through with it, because you were an awkward teenager that had no idea what they were doing. But what if you did ask them out? It's very likely they would have turned you down and made you the laughingstock of the school, but maybe you're actually a damn riajuu that would have found true love. Either way, this is one such decision with the power to change your life, and you weren't even aware of it at the time.

Let's try another example. Let's say that, hypothetically, a handsome young man in the prime of his life woke up in a forest in a fantasy world he never knew he existed. In one timeline, the path he chose intersected with a youkai named Rumia, and she gave him directions to the village and eventually took him to a food stand where he made a genuine friend. However, there also exists another timeline where said young man wandered aimlessly through the forest without meeting a single soul. Instead of emerging from the forest with a strange village just within sight, he was greeted to the sight of a brilliant field of sunflowers. Presented with no better options, said young man chose to explore the field in the hopes of finding a helpful farmer or some such in the hopes of getting directions home.

Of course we're talking about me, Hikigaya Hachiman. That should be obvious by now. Sadly, I was not aware of any of this at the time. In fact, the only reason I found out at all was because of a certain vampire making fun of my "absolutely hilarious fate." Enough of that, though. Returning to the present, I was lost as hell. This was nothing new, of course. In fact, I had been lost for several hours. On the plus side, the field of sunflowers was far more pleasant than the forest. On the down side, the field was far more difficult to navigate than I had expected. There wasn't really a path, so the only option that left me was to walk through the sunflowers themselves. Within minutes, I had completely lost my sense of direction. In spite of my frustration, I was careful with the sunflowers. This wasn't some natural forest where nobody gives a shit what you do to the land. This was some very capable farmer's land I was walking through, and damaging someone livelihood is a terrible way to endear yourself to them.

Much as it was the current bane of my existence, it was truly an impressive sight to behold. I'll be the first to admit that I don't know a damn thing about flowers, but even I knew how much work it would take to actually create something like this. Not only was every single flower healthy-looking, but they stretched as far as I could see in every direction. The ground was fertile and flawless. I had yet to see any pests of any kind on the flowers. The sunflowers seemed to be looking at me as I walked. Even the weather was perfect.

Hm? What's that? I said something strange there? Hahaha, don't think about it!

Back to the very much non-threatening flower field, I found myself curious about the owner. Something I had noticed was the lack of sprinklers. Wouldn't a field this size need something like that to maintain? Perhaps it was maintained by many people. Then again, I wasn't sure where I was. Maybe the rain in the area was enough to depend on for that. Not like I knew anything about sunflowers, let alone agriculture. Before long, I could hear what sounded like a faint humming. Following the sound while stepping in the gaps between flowers and carefully keeping an eye out for sprouts, I made my way towards the humming. I delicately moved some sunflowers with the back of my hand to make a gap and found myself in a slightly more open clearing, where a woman with green hair and a red plaid outfit was sitting elegantly on a sunflower, despite such a feat being impossible.

"Well now… it certainly took you long enough to get here." She spoke in a cold and condescending tone. I gulped slightly. It seemed I had displeased her with my trespassing after all. I didn't like that look in her eyes, either. They seemed to be saying 'How dare scum like you come here?' I would need to be on my best behavior if I wanted her help.

* * *

"Well now… it certainly took you long enough to get here." I spoke in a warm and inviting tone. How refreshing it was to have a visitor with some manners! So many of the guests I'd received lately had been… well, uncultured boors. Is it too much to ask for them to just not tromp all over the fruits of my labor simply because I killed one or two of their family members? Honestly, it's not as if they couldn't just make more children… "Perhaps you were captivated by the sight of my garden?" I giggled a bit at my little joke. The boy shifted nervously on his feet. Hmm, perhaps he's shy? "I suppose it doesn't matter. For what reason have you come to this place?" I asked lightly. I hoped he hadn't come here because of a lost dare. Those kinds of guests always made for the worst conversation.

"Oh, um, I'm actually lost. Do you have a phone I can use?" He spoke smoothly. Oh dear, it was worse than I thought. He was an idiot! Surely he knew better than to intrude on a youkai's territory? Most youkai would have killed him for the insult alone! I sighed and rested my cheek in my palm.

"So you came _here?_ Surely your parents taught you to be more cautious than that." I lightly admonished him. He paled a bit at the comment, finally seeming to realize the seriousness of the situation. Not that he had anything to fear from me… yet. So long as he continued treating me and my home with respect, then he would receive that respect in return. However, not all youkai are as reasonable as I. It would be a shame to see such a polite young man wander gormlessly into the open mouth of a beast. The young man averted his eyes from mine, a behavior that I was unfortunately well accustomed to. Ah~ how disappointing, but not entirely unexpected. Well, some light teasing wouldn't be remiss. "Ohh~? Too afraid to even look me in the eyes? How pathetic." I winced internally. That had come out a bit more harshly than intended. I hoped he wasn't _too_ offended.

* * *

I relaxed a bit after hearing such a cutting remark from the mouth of a beautiful woman. Finally, some familiar territory! Well, not quite 'familiar territory' because this woman scared the hell out of me, but at least I could find my footing again. This woman wasn't just scary, she was _dangerous._ My danger senses were screaming that this woman was only just barely keeping herself from ending my life. All the supernatural aspects of this place that I had ignored thus far came rising to the forefront of my thoughts. I was a long way from home, wasn't I? No, stop it Hachiman, think about it later. Get yourself out of danger first.

"Ah, I'm actually not afraid at all." I lied as naturally as I breathed. "Is that a no on the phone thing, then? Because I really should be getting home. Not that there's anything wrong with your company. Honestly." I snarked back. Actually, if I was right about this situation, would a phone even help me? Distracted by those thoughts, I almost missed the heavy silence that filled the air after my comment. Replaying my words, I internally swore. Really brain? You couldn't keep the caustic personality hidden for 10 seconds? I looked at her to gauge her emotional state. Her eyes had narrowed as she studied my face.

"…No, I don't have a phone, I'm afraid." Damn, so I really was risking my life for nothing. I suppose it would be too much to ask for a cell phone charger then. "…What's your name?" She asked after a brief pause. Oh man, did I seriously ask a favor from her without even introducing myself? That was rude even by my admittedly low standards. No wonder she's so upset with me.

"Hikigaya Hachiman. You?" Still rude by my standards, but it was about all I had the energy for after the day I'd had. She was openly eyeing me like preparing herself for me to reveal the joke I was playing on her. As if I'd have the balls for that. She hopped from her perch without rustling a single petal on the sunflower, landing on her feet a few feet away from me.

"…Kazami Yuuka. A pleasure." She curtsied politely, never removing her searching gaze from my face. Yes, yes. My eyes are disgusting, I am well aware. Your red eyes aren't exactly helping you in that department either, lady. Still, I understood now what kind of stare this truly was. This was the 'I'm not sure if you're amusing or insulting and I'm still making up my mind' stare, which was the last thing I wanted to see on this psychopath. Well, never let it be said that Hikigaya Hachiman was too proud to be a suck-up. Maybe some compliments would sway her towards a more positive opinion of me.

* * *

How strange. Not a single reaction to my name. I could understand if he perhaps hadn't put a name to my face yet. After all, it's not like I visited the human village often these days. But not reacting to my name at all? Ridiculous. I entertained the thought that he simply hadn't heard of me… but I just as quickly discarded it. I was _quite_ infamous in the human village these days. No, he must not have been surprised because he already knew who I am! If he came here to see me despite knowing who I am and what I'm capable of… Ara ara. Not again. How many times would I need to discourage these poor fools that fall for the first pretty face they see? No matter. It seemed that it fell to me to break this young man's heart. I hoped he wouldn't think me cruel.

"So, is this whole place your garden, Kazami-san? It's very nice. I've never seen anything like it." He complimented while looking around with a stiff expression on his face. Oh dear, he really was quite smitten with me… This may be harder than I thought. Ah! Perhaps I could ease him into it! I'll start out with some small talk before subtly letting him know I wasn't interested. As a bonus, it would give me the chance to have some company for a change! Not that it was my intent, of course. Just a happy accident.

"That's right! These children were all raised by me." I beamed proudly at the chance to show off my hard work. For added effect, I had the surrounding sunflowers lean towards us so he could have a closer look. He stared wide-eyed and speechless at the sunflowers, bringing a bright smile to my face. It's always nice to have your efforts appreciated!

* * *

"So… is this whole place your 'garden', Kazami-san? It's very… nice. I've never seen anything like it." That last part was true. I hadn't known it was possible to be afraid of gardens before. Oh god, what am I saying? It's so obvious that I'm full of it.

"That's right! These children were all raised by me." She smirked darkly and stared me down with her cold eyes. The sunflowers closed ranks around us, no doubt her way of saying 'There is no escape.' As I feared, it seemed she saw my empty flattery for what it was. Even worse, she referred to her sunflowers as 'children', like one of those crazy cat ladies referring to their pets. This woman was clearly unstable. "I do so appreciate you being careful with them. You seem like a nice young man. It would have been a shame if something… unfortunate happened." She said without a trace of warmth on her face. I swallowed hard.

"Ah… y-yeah. I don't know much about growing flowers, but it's obvious how much work you've put into all of this." I was worried I was rambling, but my potential murderer's eyebrows rose up in mild surprise at the statement. Hoping that was a good thing, I continued on that tangent. "I mean, if some stranger walked into my house and started wrecking the place, I'd be pretty pissed. I figured it'd be counterproductive to getting on your good side, you know?" I smiled weakly at the half-joke. The woman's eyebrows slowly as her face smoothed into her default blank expression. I wished she would at least look angry. Doesn't this woman have any expressions at all?!

* * *

Oh dear, I hope my blush wasn't too noticeable! I wasn't used to the villagers being such smooth talkers. Normally their compliments were of the… cruder sort. Nobody ever seemed to recognize how much care she put into her garden. Perhaps… No, stay strong Yuuka-chan! You're doing this for his own good! This sort of lifestyle was no good for such a kind young man. This needed to be taken care of before it got any worse. Gently, though. Humans tended to break down when I lightly reprimanded them, so I would handle him with the utmost delicacy.

"My, is that so?" He quickly nodded in response, seeming genuinely afraid of my displeasure. My, so earnest! I had to suppress my giggles. "I see… Such kindness is so rarely rewarded these days. It would be remiss of me to not at least serve you some tea and snacks." There, nice and simple. Tea is nice, right? It would certainly soothe the sting of rejection. I hoped, anyways. It had been a while since I served tea for guests.

"Oh, there's no need for that. I wouldn't want to impose." He frantically assured. I had to resist the urge to roll my eyes. Gods save me from overly polite men! I closed the distance between us, noticing as his body stiffened from nervousness. So cute! It really was a shame to spurn his advances, but it was for the best. I poked his chest with my index finger and looked him in the eyes.

"Oh, come now. You wouldn't force me to remain indebted to you, would you?" I smiled teasingly. I'm sure that appealing to his strong sense of chivalry would convince him to see things my way.

* * *

"Oh, come now. You wouldn't force me to remain indebted to you…" Her smile twisted into a cruel smirk. "…Would you?" She asked, despite already knowing the answer. I was entirely at her mercy, and she knew it as well as I did.

"…Fine." I grit out. I would play her game for now, but the first chance that came up, I was running away and never looking back… Not that I expected it to work. Shit, I was going to end up used as fertilizer, wasn't I? She lightly patted my cheek and wandered off into the field, the sunflowers parting way to show the until now obscured building. She opened the door and turned her head to look expectantly at me. _'Ah well.' _I thought to myself before setting off. I was already dead, so I would be sure to enjoy this last meal.

* * *

A/N - And here's number two! That's all for now. I liked writing this one, so expect a continuation in the distant future. Thanks for reading!


	3. Fairies

"So… Does anyone have something they would like to confess to?" I asked the sweating fairies sitting in seiza in front of me. Neither of them spoke up, but they both looked so guilty that I almost caved and forgave them on the spot. However, I couldn't afford to be soft all the time on these girls. That was probably what allowed this to happen in the first place. I softened my expression and smiled warmly at them, which only made them panic more. Smart girls. "If you two confess now then I promise I'll go easier on you," I reassured them with a smile that butter wouldn't melt in.

"Onii-chan is a liar! You said when people try to catch us out on our lies with honeyed words that we should double down and hold firm until they show some evidence!" One of them cried out, while the other nodded rapidly in agreement. I'm so proud that my dear sisters have taken my words of wisdom to heart! However…

"Ohh~? So you admit to lying, then?" I drawled. They both paled and refused to meet my eyes, though I didn't miss the tears pooling at the corners of their eyes. Stay strong, Hachiman! I sent a glare at the crowd of snickering fairies watching this incident from afar, but they were entirely undeterred. I sighed. "You're both grounded from playing with everyone until this hair dye washes out on its' own, or you get rid of it with magic or something." The nearby fairies gasped in shock. Indeed, it was the most severe punishment I could give them. Seeing as I was utterly merciless, it was also the _only_ punishment I would give them. Why come up with alternatives when you have a one size fits all strategy?

"No! Anything but that!" They cried out while dramatically clutching their fist on their chest. However, I remained unmoved. Pink hair _really_ did not suit me. "W-We'll go back and get a cure from the witch. Promise!" And then they were off. Always nice to see these kids take initiative. Upon seeing that the show was over, several dozens of giggling fairies wasted no time in dogpiling me, while the rest returned to whatever games they were playing before. They barely weighed anything, but of course I pretended to be affected by their tackles and dramatically flopped over on the grass. I simply laid in the grass while watching the fairies play their reindeer games in the sky while occasionally nodding along as other fairies told me about their day. It was hard work being the older brother of nearly every single fairy in Gensokyo, but I was willing to shoulder this heavy burden.

I thought back to the circumstances that led me to this point, which would be highly convenient if I needed to give exposition to some imaginary audience that sees things from my perspective.

* * *

"-and then they made me fix the fence I broke, but they got mad when I was done. They said I didn't do a good enough job!" The nameless fairy pouted from her perch on my shoulder. "Hey, go around those trees. Those are actually youkai," She warned, to which I nodded seriously. I had received many warnings like that since waking up in this hellish forest with an adorable fairy on my chest, and I had no intention of ignoring this one. My guide had told me what those things would do to humans like me, and I had no desire to experience them firsthand. "Anyways, what was I saying?" She wondered aloud.

"You were telling me about what to expect at the village," I said kindly, despite the fact that all she really done up to that point was tell me stories about herself. Part of me wanted to demand she give me some straight answers on my current situation, but that admittedly small part was overridden by the instincts of an older brother. Her imouto aura was too strong for my rational thoughts to survive!

"Oh, right," She smiled brightly at me. Be still, my beating heart! "You've been really nice to me… Hey, you know what? You should just forget about those boring old humans and come live in the forest! I can get food and stuff for you, so you don't have to worry about a thing, and we can play every day!" She said with an excited look on her face. She had made similar offers before this one, but she was getting desperate now that the village outskirts were within sight. I smiled warmly and gently pat her head, prompting a giggle from her. Yukinoshita would be disgusted if she could see me right now.

"Sorry, but I don't think I'm cut out for living with nature. I doubt I'd survive the night in a place like this," I gestured vaguely to the surrounding forest. As if to articulate my point, a vine shot out of a tree and struck a rodent of some kind before pulling it back into the canopy. The disturbing crunching noises left me feeling distinctly unsettled.

"Ehh~ I can protect you, though!" She proudly puffed out her chest. "And, and, and I can get some other girls to help too! I bet they'll like you too!" I steadfastly looked ahead as she spoke, knowing that I would cave the moment I saw her pleading eyes. I had nearly fallen to her strength before, and I had learned my lesson.

"I'm sure you could, but I would feel better if I didn't need protection at all," I pointed out. That seemed to convince her, but it didn't stop her from pouting. She folded her arms and groaned.

"Fiiiiine, but you have to play with me whenever I want for as long as you're in Gensokyo, OK?" She demanded with a tone that would yield no ground.

"Hmm… Well, I _suppose_ I can do that," I conceded after a moment of pretending to consider the offer. Judging by the fist pump of the tiny girl standing on my shoulder, this was a great victory for her. It was a great victory for me too, though I would never admit it out loud.

"Yay! Ooh, I can't wait to tell everyone else!" She hopped off my shoulders and quickly beat her wings to hover in my face. "Just follow this path and it'll take you straight to the village," She pointed at a dirt road just visible on the edge of the tree line. "Hey, do you have a name? I don't have one, but Shi-chan said that all humans have names," She asked. If anyone asked, I would tell them that my next words came about from a half-remembered tidbit of never giving your name to the fae. However, that was giving myself entirely too much credit. The truth is that I was just an idiot.

"You can call me onii-chan," I said like a complete creep. My eyes widened as I realized that I had actually said that out loud. I quickly moved to correct the statement, but she steamrolled right over me.

"OK! See you later, onii-chan!" She called out to me as she soared into the canopy and immediately disappeared from my sight. I groaned loudly. Maybe nothing would come about from that? Yeah, I didn't believe that for a second. This was going to blow up in my face in one way or another. Thus, it was with a heavy heart that I continued my leisurely stroll towards the village.

* * *

In the end, I was turned away entirely from the village because they thought I looked like a youkai. Seeing as all the youkai I'd noticed since then were all incredibly cute girls, I decided to take it as a compliment on my stunning good looks. Gensokyo was a land of fantasy, so I was perfectly entitled to my own private delusions. After that unfortunate encounter with the village guards, I had more or less resigned myself to dying in the forest. Thankfully it didn't come to that. Well, not yet anyways. I'm sure it'll happen eventually.

* * *

"Hey human!" A voice called from above me. I craned my neck up to see several fairies sitting on a tree branch. "What are you doing in our territory? You better have a good reason or else we'll beat you up!" The lead fairy threatened as the remaining fairies behind her nodded agreeingly. It seems as if I accidentally stumbled into the territory of the fairy yakuza. They probably wouldn't appreciate if I told them how adorable and nonthreatening they looked.

"Ah, sorry about that. I'm… not from around here, so I'm just really lost." I explained. That was an understatement. I had been lost within 5 minutes of reentering the forest, and that was back when I had far more sunlight to work with. The only reason I hadn't tripped and broken my neck when the sun set was because of the phosphorescence from the suspicious plant life.

"Ehh~? Shouldn't you be in the village then? It's not safe for you to be out here at this time of night," She was still scowling, but I detected an undercurrent of worry in her tone. In my defense though, I doubted this forest was all that much safer in the daytime.

"I wouldn't know. They didn't let me into the village." I said shortly, trying to keep the scowl off my face.

"What?!" In spite of my attempt to play it off, the fairies seemed outraged on my behalf. "Where are you supposed to go then, mister?" One of them asked, to which I just shrugged helplessly.

"I have no idea. I only found the village in the first place because a fairy led me there. For now, I guess I'll find a nice tree to sleep in and hope I wake up in the morning," I said. Between one blink and the next, the lead fairy was in my personal space and intensely looking at my face, before pulling back with a satisfied smile on her face.

"Ohh! You should've just said so!" She grinned happily. "This one girl flew by earlier talking about a nice guy with scary eyes. She must have been talking about you!" Oh no. "She told us to call you onii-chan if we met with you." Yep, just like I thought. Maybe it wasn't too late to clear this whole thing up. I don't know if my heart could take the looks of disgust people will give me when they find out I convinced impressionable young girls to call me onii-chan.

"Actually, my name-" I tried to salvage the situation, I really did, but I was cut off by the other fairies perching themselves on my shoulders, my head, and even in my jacket pocket.

"I can't believe they didn't let onii-chan into the village! Don't they know it's dangerous for humans out here?" One of the other unnamed fairies spoke up from atop my head.

"Um, my name-" I eloquently stated, completely caught off-guard by this sudden development.

"That means we have to take care of him then. Humans need a lot of stuff to be healthy though," The fairy in my jacket pocket stated.

"That's not-" I fruitlessly tried to get in a word edgewise.

"I think Hana has blankets and stuff!" Left shoulder fairy chimed in.

"I'll go ask her!" Right shoulder fairy saluted and flew off into the forest. Moments later, another fairy replaced the empty spot and began fiddling with my hair. It seemed I had become a stray dog for the fairies to adopt. Well, maybe it was for the best. If they were willing to feed me and walk me every day, then I suppose I was willing to play along. Pride as a human being? What's that?

* * *

In the end, they had picked out a nice enough clearing in the forest for me to hang out in. They brought me food, blankets, and generally anything I needed to survive. For some reason, rough weather never seemed to touch this particular spot of the forest. Sometimes I wondered if they had recreated Avalon for me. In return, I mercilessly big brothered the whole lot of them. I had worried that I was taking advantage of these impressionable young girls' kindness, but they actually seemed to think they were getting the better end of this bargain. I liked surviving, so I just chalked it up as a win/win for everyone involved.

As time passed however, new faces quickly began to filter in to my home away from home. In the beginning, there were maybe half a dozen fairies around me at any given time. The next day, that number increased to a dozen. The next day, two dozen. And, well, it just sort of snowballed from there until the present day, where I could reasonably expect over a hundred fairies around me at all times. Some fairies didn't come around often, but their vacancy was always filled by another. It was noisy and exhausting, but I didn't feel at all upset by the spectacle my life had become. I had decided to roll with the punches lately, although it would be more accurate to say I had absolutely no control over the situation anymore.

"Oi, stop fighting you two!" I called out. Two of the fairies in the air had been having a dispute over nonsensical rules, and they eventually grew heated enough that they came to physical blows. My words went ignored as they plummeted from the sky and began wrestling around on the ground. "Come on, break it up." I quickly stood up and got between them, being sure to keep them separated. I had no doubts they could easily overpower me, but not one of the fairies ever tried to do so in my entire stay here. "Geez, don't make me get Cirno to cool you two off," I sighed. They had the decency to look embarrassed at that.

"Eh? Did someone say my name?" A blue-haired fairy with icicles for wings called from the sky, temporarily freezing their game of aerial tag. Pun absolutely intended.

"I was just using you as a threat Cirno," I called up. Completely unoffended, Cirno smiled widely.

"Ufufu! Onii-chan is wise to acknowledge my strength!" Cirno threw her head back and laughed with her hands on her hips. One of the first things I discovered about Cirno is that she was easily manipulated into using her powers. Actually, I wasn't sure I could even call it manipulation when it was just me bluntly telling Cirno what I wanted from her, and then her immediately agreeing without any fuss. I was a bit worried about that agreeable nature of hers. I would need to set some time aside to make sure she wouldn't just do whatever everyone tells her to do. I was snapped out of my thoughts by the sensation of a tingly mist spreading over my head.

"All done, onii-chan! No more pretty hair!" The two fairies from before were holding a now empty vial over my head. I pulled a lock down and in front of my eyes to inspect it carefully, and I was pleased to see my original color was back. I reached out and ruffled their hair.

"Thanks, you two. Feel free to go back to playing around," I told them. Rather than leave, they instead decided to hop into my jacket pocket to make themselves comfortable. Wait… how many fairies were in there now? What have I told you guys about expanding the space within my belongings? What, nothing? Carry on then.

"Woah, what the heck is going on here?!" An unfamiliar voice called from the edge of the clearing. She was blonde and wearing a black and white dress. Going by the broom she was using to defy gravity, this was the witch the fairies mentioned earlier. "I thought you guys were being quiet lately… Is this what you've been up to?" She looked around at the various groups absorbed in their lighthearted games, then paused when she caught a glimpse of me. She gave a scary grin and quickly walked towards me, only to be halted several feet away from me by a fairy coming between us.

"Hey! No fighting!" She said as her face screwed up into a positively adorable glare. The witch and I both melted at the cuteness on display.

"Ahh sure, sure. Just wanna talk." The witch said with an unconvincing grin. The fairy stared at her for a while before huffing and returning to sleeping on my head with the other fairies. Wait, how long have they been there? "Name's Marisa. So… Haven't seen you around before," She started. It wasn't a question, but it was heard all the same.

"Hikigaya Hachiman. Woke up here a few weeks ago. I believe the term is 'Outsider?'" I shrugged. "Anyways, I tried to get into the village, but they turned me away." Marisa hummed at my blunt answer. I was feeling some hostility from her, so I wasn't all that interested in being a good host at the moment.

"Outsider, huh… Why not head to the shrine? Get home? I'm sure you've got some people who miss ya." She said this with a grin, but it fell when she saw the stormy expression on my face. I took a deep breath before answering.

"I tried that already. That miko sent me home, but I just woke up here again. She said she won't send me back again now," I said trying not to let the heat creep into my tone. Truthfully, I didn't blame Reimu for any of this. She had logically explained her reasons and I had even agreed with them. For a small fee, she was even willing to tell me everything I needed to know about Gensokyo. I think she expected me to go live in the village, but well… the fairies left the offer of shelter open for me, so I just took them up on it. The life of a NEET older brother certainly agreed with me. Sorry Komachi, but despite your best efforts, I ended up going down that path anyways. At the very least it is no longer your burden to bear.

"Ah… Yeah, Reimu told me about that," Marisa grimaced. "She'll be happy to hear you're alright. She felt terrible when she found out you never made it to the village." Oh? Somehow, hearing about that stone-faced miko showing sadness over my 'death' came as a surprise. I should visit her some time. I think I still have some spare change left for donations… "So, what's with all the fairies?" Marisa segued with all the subtlety of a freight train.

"I can't think of a single answer to give that will paint me in a positive light," I said bluntly. Sadly, shady-looking guys like me were much more limited with our possible responses than a handsome guy would have in this situation. Bastards. Regardless of my methods, the end result was the same. Marisa was now staring me down with clear suspicion. The rising tension was abruptly cut off as one of the nameless fairies popped her head out of my jacket pocket, though it was one I was familiar with.

"Onii-chan takes care of us, so we take care of onii-chan!" She said with all the authority of a child that wholeheartedly believes in what she's saying. In response, I quietly began to fix her messy hair.

"Come on, how do you keep getting your hair in knots like this?" I complained. She simply giggled before disappearing into the pocket dimension. I sighed and returned my attention to Marisa, only to find that she was far more relaxed than she had been mere moments ago.

"Heh, I get it," Marisa laughed. "If that's all it is, then no sweat. When I saw all these fairies completely loyal to an Outsider I've never met before, I figured it was the start of another Incident. Make sure you take good care of them, 'onii-chan.'" She said sweetly before lightly punching my shoulder. I groaned at the realization that nobody was ever going to use my name again.

"Is this lady bullying onii-chan?" A fairy said from my right before cutting off her flight to stand on my shoulder. Her eyes were unusually harsh as she stared with a blank expression at Marisa.

"Nah, course not! This is just some friendly-" Marisa started but was cut off by the same fairy.

"I wasn't talking to you. I was asking onii-chan," She said with absolutely no inflection in her tone. That was when I noticed that the entire clearing had gone completely silent. Without exception, every fairy present was staring at Marisa as they waited for my answer. Judging by the sweat on her face and her fingers twitching slowly towards her pocket, Marisa noticed it as well.

"Nah, we're just talking. Nobody is being bullied here," I reassured her. Instantly, the tension vanished as she smiled and flew away. All around us, the sounds of laughter and roughhousing filled the air once more. I rolled my eyes at the dramatics before addressing the now unnerved Marisa. "Sorry about that. Ever since I told them it was an older brother's duty to protect their younger sister, they've been a little… intense." That was putting it lightly. They took my safety _very_ seriously now. I had heard more than enough offhand comments about how much easier it would be if I couldn't die like them that I was beginning to be worried.

"…better tell some people this guy's off-limits. Might've spoken too soon about this not being an Incident." Marisa mumbled to herself. Hey now, you're saying some worrying things over there. She abruptly stood up and grinned once more at me, this one far friendlier than the one she had greeted me with. "Well, I got some stuff to take care of. Nice meetin' ya, neighbor! Feel free to swing by my place if ya need a cup of sugar or somethin', yeah?" She laughed and hopped on her broom, levitating a couple feet off the ground.

"I'll be sure to take you up on that the next time I have a prank pulled on me and I need some magic to fix it," I grumbled, to her amusement. "Well, I guess if you're telling everyone I'm off-limits, that'll mean I don't have to worry about people messing with me." I thought I was saying something perfectly reasonable, but Marisa froze on the spot.

"Shit, you're right. I can't tell anyone about this, or they'll drop everything to come and mess with you." Oi! That's the exact opposite of what I just said! "I guess I'll just tell Reimu and Alice for now. They can keep a secret… Oh yeah, you should drop by Alice's place some time! She's always complaining about how I'm the only one that visits her," She laughed. I didn't know what Alice was like, but I'm pretty sure was less out of a desire for company and more a subtle plea for you to stop bugging her. Marisa clearly did not speak Loner. Marisa gave me and several of the fairies a wave goodbye and flew off.

"Hm… Well, that's enough excitement for today. Guess I'll take a nap," I shrugged, before plopping down on the grass. The carefree nature of the fairies was definitely rubbing off on me. Speaking of which, several of them flew down to curl up on my chest like a cat and join me for the nap. None of this was how I ever envisioned my life going, but it wasn't bad at all.

* * *

A/N - Hi everyone! Here's an early Christmas present for you. Fairy Christmas to you all! This omake is possibly the quickest turnaround I've ever had to conceiving the idea to finishing it. I just HAD to write it when I thought of it. It was too much fun not to. Anywho, chapter 8 is well under way, but probably still a good wait left for it. I hate this time of year so much. As always, thanks for reading! Let me know if you see any problems with this one, because I didn't really have the chance to take a second look over it.


	4. Lowering The Bar

"Ugh, my head…" I groaned as consciousness flittered haphazardly into my brain. The sounds of a crowd of people walking around assaulted my senses as I tried to muster the will to open my eyes. Cracking open my eyes, I was relieved to find that the lighting was dim enough to not set off my now-fading migraine. For some reason, I was propped up against a wall in a remarkably clean alleyway.

Upon patting myself down and checking for suspicious kidney-shaped scars, I felt satisfied that I was leaving the alley with all my various body parts in place. Upon leaving, I was greeted to the sight of long stretches of dirt road, lined with various traditional Japanese-style buildings. The darkness told me that it was night time, but the paper lanterns strung everywhere did a good job of lighting the place up. All in all, the whole place had a sort of festival feel to it. My attention wasn't focused too much at the architecture, though.

I could only stare wide-eyed at the people walking the streets. They all seemed to wear an assortment of traditional Japanese clothing, but that was where the similarities ended. Without even turning my head, I could see people of all shapes, sizes, and colors. Some had horns, some had claws, some had fangs, but none were human.

When some of them began to glare back at me, I took the hint and averted my eyes up… only to be left in shock once more. Instead of an open sky like I'd expected, there was nothing but solid natural rock formations high above the tallest buildings. Was all _this_ underground? How? What? _Why?_ My impending breakdown was interrupted by a hard shoulder check, nearly sending me to the ground.

"Fuckin' moron! Quit standin' in the middle of the path!" The towering mole-like man bellowed at me, but moved on without making an issue out of it. Rather than be upset, I was actually thankful to him for snapping me out of it. I noticed that my behavior was starting to attract looks from the locals; locals that I couldn't trust, and which only loosely resembled humans.

"Yeah, my bad…" I mumbled while completely changing my body language from 'lost tourist' to 'confident local.' Without another word, I set off down a random road as if I had places to be. Just as I'd hoped, the curious looks quickly faded away to disinterest. Pretending you know what you're doing really is universally guaranteed to get you just about anywhere, huh? I took a leisurely stroll around the town, taking it all in with a disinterested-looking stare when really the gears in my head were spinning at maximum speed.

'_Underground city, no obvious plant-life, monstrous-looking population, no idea how I got here, no idea if the people are friendly towards humans. This… is pretty bad, huh?'_ I grimaced as my thoughts reached the natural conclusion; I wouldn't survive without getting help, but I didn't trust anyone here. At least the alleys were clean… Maybe a few nights spent sleeping in one wouldn't be the worst-

"Hey, kid!" A voice called out from across the street. Was he talking to me? Better pretend I didn't hear him. "Hey! You in the jacket!" The same voice called out. I reflexively looked in his direction, only to kick myself upon realizing I had made eye contact. Seeing I had noticed him, he immediately began walking towards me. No getting out of this one. I bit back a sigh and turned to face him.

"Can I help you?" I asked blandly, hoping that was very much not the case. The happy smile he gave in response dashed my hopes immediately. Damn you, ingrained Japanese politeness!

"Yeah, actually. Name's Tora, kid. Look, I'm in a hurry, so I'll keep it brief; I got a date to get to and I need someone to watch the bar for a bit." I tried to interject a polite refusal, but he steamrolled right over me before I could start. "All ya gotta do is stand behind the bar. If someone comes in, and that's a _big_ if, I promise you, then you just give 'em what they ask for. Easy, right?" He gave a bright grin that would put a toothpaste ad to shame if you ignored the sharp teeth.

"Look, I'd like to help, but-" I had a long list of reasons why this was a _terrible_ idea, starting off strong with number one's 'I don't know shit about alcohol', but I never got the chance. He firmly grasped my shoulder, smile never faltering, and chose to completely ignore my 'but' from before.

"Great! I'll be back in a few hours. Try not to wreck the place too much, yeah? I'm countin' on ya!" He set off, but paused after only a couple of steps before turning back to me with a strange look on his face. "Help yourself to whatever ya want until I get back. Just stay away from the good stuff, yeah?" Then he turned the corner and was gone. Did… Did I just get a job? My dad really wasn't kidding around when he said you wake up one day and suddenly you're a working adult.

Actually looking at the bar for the first time showed that… well, it was bar-like? It matched the style of the buildings around it, but it somehow had this quality to it that told you 'Yes, we sell food and drink here.' Entering the building and looking around showed that… well, it was also bar-like, I guess? Sue me, I'm underaged. There were some tables, a bar counter, and shelves with bottles on them. What more do you want from me? The floor was made of wood. Aren't you glad you got that super important information from me?

I might have been a little cranky from being made a functioning member of society. Grumbling the whole time, I stepped behind the counter and prayed for a long day of standing around bored. Actually… Deciding I really didn't care, I dragged one of the stools behind the counter and plopped my ass on it, immediately regretting it. These things were so uncomfortable that standing was almost preferable. During the process of this, I noticed the fridge tucked away in the corner. Remembering the offer of free food, I decided to abuse the shady man's charity.

"Let's see what he's got in this thing," I mumbled as I pawed through the fridge. Booze, pass. Colorful mushrooms, pass. More booze, pass. Unmarked packages of meat, _big_ pass. Fried soybeans? What the hell? It wasn't that odd to see them here, but it _was_ odd to see just how many of them there were. I kid you not, I counted at least 6 decently sized containers filled with the things. After staring for a moment, I shrugged and grabbed one of the containers. I didn't know why he had so many, but I doubted he would miss one or two in that case.

"If this guy ends up being a serial killer, I'm gonna be so pissed…" I mumbled while fiddling with the lid, intentionally ignoring the fact that I'd be too dead to actually care in that hypothetical. Once I had the container open, I set them on the bar top and shoveled a handful into my mouth. "Ugh, cold," I grimaced. I halfheartedly looked around for a microwave or something and sagged in disappointment when I didn't immediately find one. I grabbed another handful of fried soybeans and simply stared at them, wondering if they'd be better at room temperature, when the front door was abruptly sent flying into the opposite wall with a resounding crash.

"Tora, you piece of shit!" A deep, but distinctly feminine voice boomed into the bar. "Get your ass out here so I can shove my foot up it! I told you what I'd do to you if this happened again, so face your death with some dignity you fucking leech!" An absolutely ripped woman with a bright red horn on her head moved through the opening, dipping her head slightly to clear the entrance. Her animalistic gaze scanned the room and quickly locked onto my petrified form. My entire body froze in primal fear as she locked eyes onto me, signaling that death was near… Only for her to slouch in confusion after several seconds of intense staring. "Huh? Who are you?" She asked while scratching her head and looking around more sheepishly this time.

"…Hikigaya Hachiman. Are you going to kill me?" I tried to beg for my life, but all that came out was that weirdly monotone question. The absurdly buff woman just looked even more confused as she crouched down and checked under the tables, temporarily bringing her to around my height. Good lord, this woman was _huge_. Her biceps were bigger than my head!

"Did I get the wrong place again? I could've sworn…" She turned to face me fully, this time with a far more relaxed stance. "Yo, Eight. I'm looking for a guy; goes by the name of Tora. You know him?" She folded her arms while adopting an expectant look. All previous hostility was gone, but the last thing I wanted was to answer incorrectly and bring it back. With that, I activated one of my 108 skills: Throwing someone else under the bus as a distraction.

"Yeah, I think so. Pale skin, sharp teeth, about this tall?" I asked after raising my hand a few inches above my head to demonstrate. I considered tacking on 'looks shady as fuck', but decided against it. I groaned upon receiving a firm nod. I should have known. "Yeah, I know him. About 30 minutes ago he came up to me outside and asked me to watch over this place for him. Guess he knew you were coming," I griped, shoving another handful of cold soybeans into my mouth. Hunger may be the best spice, but fear was a close second.

"Sacrificial lamb, huh? Yeah, that sounds like Tora," The woman sighed, then took a seat at the bar. She eyed the container of fried soybeans with great distaste. "…That asshole is so dead. Well, whatever. You got any good sake in this place?" She asked with all the confidence of someone who had come in for this exact purpose. I just stared at her unchanging expression for several long moments before looking at the shelves.

"…Probably?" I said, staring at the rows of _unmarked _bottles. For all I knew, these were the cleaning supplies. I grabbed the bottle that looked like the most stereotypical bottle of sake you'd see in a manga, feeling emboldened by the hum of approval as my fingers wrapped around the bottle. While I searched for some kind of cup in this place, the brick shithouse of a woman rested her chin on an open palm and made small talk. Or would that be big talk in her case?

"Haven't seen you around before," She commented aloud. I paused in my motions just long enough to be suspicious, but tried to play it off. The low chuckle told me I failed. "Relax, Eight. I've been around long enough to know an Outsider when I see one. Tora probably saw it too, and was hoping I'd take you as an offering or some shit. Not really my thing, but some of the people down here would do anything for a fresh human." She stopped talking as I placed a glass on the countertop with perhaps more force than needed.

"Yeah, well, _fuck_ Tora." I scowled at her. Before my brain could catch up that I was scowling at the fantasy equivalent of a loaded gun, the woman was slamming her fist on the counter in raucous laughter.

"Hah! Damn right! That asshole has been pushing his luck for decades, and it's about time someone finally wrecks his shit." Her bloodthirsty grin left no doubt as to who would be doing the shit wrecking. "Heh. I got your name, but I never gave ya mine. The name's Yuugi; don't worry about any of that honorifics crap you humans get all worked up over." It's not often my species is used as a way to insult me. Today was just a day for new experiences, huh?

"Yeah, I figured as much when you started calling me a number," I sniped back as I finally got the cork out of the bottle. The smell wafting out of the bottle brought tears to my eyes. Yuugi didn't even try to hide her amusement. I grabbed the glass and filled it up about 2/3rds, took another look at the woman sitting across from me, then immediately filled up the remaining 1/3rd. Quick as lightning, the woman's hand shot out and grabbed the glass, bringing it to eye level for inspection without spilling a single drop. Between one blink and the next, the glass was empty and placed in front of me as a silent request. Just as silently, I began to fill it up once again.

"Ahhh~ now that hits the spot. Should've known that clown was holding back on the good stuff," Yuugi said before tossing back another glass of sake.

"I'll take your word for it. I literally have no idea what I just gave you," I admitted. For some reason, this gained me an appraising look from the scary woman.

"Oho? A human admitting they don't know something? I'd say Hell has frozen over, but I think we'd have known if that was the case," Yuugi laughed loudly at her own joke. I didn't get it, so I chalked it up to the alcohol.

"…Thanks? You sure know how to give a backhanded compliment," I said blandly. Yuugi just continued to look amused.

"If I backhanded you, you'd be painting the walls right now," She stated casually.

"…An accurate assessment." I agreed after eyeing her build once more. Idly, I wondered if she had scars in the shape of the Big Dipper on her chest. I immediately shook the thought away, as it was taking all my willpower to not stare at her chest already.

The conversation continued on in a similar pattern for several hours, with Yuugi answering my questions in between us trading barbs with each other. How did I know it was that long, you ask? The sun came up, of course! Why was there a sun underground? Here's a thought, quit asking questions I'm not prepared to confront right now!

"You're a riot, Eight." Yuugi pat my back. Hard. I valiantly kept my tears from showing. "You know, you've got a real talent for this stuff! You ever think about trying this for real? I know I said people would do anything for some fresh human, but that's nothing compared to what they'd do for a good bartender." I believed her, too. This woman enjoyed her drink a bit _too_ much. If the people down here were even half like her, then this was where the money was at.

"All I did was give you random bottles off a shelf. I have no idea what's in any of these." I scoffed, waving the idea off after a moment's thought. "Besides, I'm not in any position to worry about my career choice. I need to find some place to sleep for the night, and then head for that shrine you told me about and hope I don't die on the way there."

"…You don't have anywhere to sleep tonight, huh?" Yuugi asked with a narrowed look, before adopting a thoughtful pose. "Tell you what, why don't you stick around here tonight. I got some business with Tora anyways, so I'll talk him into letting you stay for a bit. Can't imagine he'll tell me 'no.'" I can't imagine it either. I can't imagine he'll be able to say anything once you get him in a headlock. "Anyways, how much do I owe ya?" She reached into her shirt and pulled out a pouch that jingled with the telltale clink of coins.

"Uh, nothing? This isn't my bar, and the guy who owns this place tried to get me killed." If anything, the thought that the owner was losing money was all the payment I needed. Yuugi didn't seem to agree.

"That ain't how this works, Eight. You're a good guy, and you've been good to me. I'm not repaying that by stealing from ya." She said, completely missing the point of what I was saying.

"Again, this isn't my bar. You'd be stealing from _Tora_, which I think is a win for everybody." Yuugi's scowl just deepened, drawing a weary sigh from me. I know when I'm beat. I guess some local currency wouldn't hurt while trying to find a way home. "Look, I don't know anything about how much this stuff sells for, but I bet you do. Just give me whatever you think it's worth. I trust you not to rip me off." Yuugi eyed me with a scrutinizing look before her face split into the widest grin I'd seen all night.

"Hah! Careful with that sweet talk, Eight. I'd hate to see ya get broken in by one of the locals." Yeah, I'd hate to see that too. She stood up to leave, placed the entire pouch down, tossed a wave over her shoulder, and then I was left in silence once more. I didn't even bother checking the pouch, seeing as it wasn't for me to begin with.

"I guess I should clean up a bit…" I wearily eyed the door embedded in the wall, knowing full well that there would be no un-embedding it. On second thought, I saw some curtains around here somewhere. Who needs a door anyways?

* * *

"Oiii, Eight. Ya still alive?" A sandaled foot not-so-gently prodded my stomach. I let out a mournful groan at being awoken, but forced myself to sit up with a satisfying pop in my lower back. I managed to find a futon and drag it behind the bar to fall asleep on. There was a room tucked away in the back, but it was filled with boxes and junk, which I dutifully filed under 'not my problem.'

"Unfortunately," I finally responded once I regained some alertness. "So, how'd it go with Tora?" I asked, knowing she likely hadn't found him yet. Otherwise, why would she be waking me up instead of him?

"Well, I found him, but… Let's just say negotiations broke down," Yuugi scratched the back of her head with a sheepish look. I sighed, but nodded. I pretty much expected that, but still felt disappointed.

"Damn… Well, I'm still technically on the job, so I guess he won't mind if I grab some food before I bail-" I was interrupted by a paper being shoved in my face, too close for me to focus on the writing. I scowled and snatched it up to take a closer look. "The hell is this?" I asked as I started skimming it.

"That's the deed to the bar. Apparently the paranoid dick never lets it off his person," She snickered before walking behind the bar to rummage around a bit. I heard the fridge open, followed by some grumbling about soybeans.

"…Why is my name on it?" I asked, feeling the horror dawn on me as I continued reading. "Wait… Is this written in blood?"

"Heh, yeah. I told ya that negotiations broke down, didn't I?" She laughed. She actually _laughed._ "We're not much for paperwork and stuff down here, but a contract written in blood? Nobody's gonna question that. You got a place to crash, I got a new bar to hit up, and Tora ain't gonna bother anyone ever again. I think it's a win/win for everybody."

"Except Tora," I corrected without any real heat. Somehow the fact that I was now the legal (?) owner of bar was more surprising than Yuugi telling me she had just murdered someone in cold blood. Then again, I doubted her blood was running cold when she committed the act. She didn't seem like the type. I set the deed down and glared at Yuugi, who had already made herself comfortable. "Yuugi, what the hell am I supposed to do with a _bar_? Didn't we establish that I have no fucking clue what I'm doing?"

"You did alright last night, didn't you?" She tilted her head with genuine confusion.

"No, I didn't! All I did was fill your cup up with the first bottle I could find!" I protested, internally remarking at how much more comfortable I was yelling at this woman who had terrified me less than 24 hours ago.

"See? That's all you need to do! Just keep the sake and the conversations coming, and nobody will complain about a damn thing!" She waved it off, filling a cup with a bottle hanging from her side. Apparently she decided to treat this as a BYOB meeting.

"And what am I supposed to do about restocking, huh? This stuff isn't gonna last long if people drink like you do." I waved a hand at the shelves, drawing a snort from Yuugi.

"Eight, _nobody_ drinks like I do, and don't you forget it." She proved the statement by taking a long pull of the bottle at her side. "Anyway, apparently the suppliers come here with a monthly shipment and collect payment on delivery, so no problem!"

"There's plenty of problems!" I finally lost my patience. "Quit talking like I'm staying here! I've got friends and family that have no idea where I am; I _have_ to get back to them!" Without noticing, I had moved to yell in her face. I immediately felt bad about taking my frustrations out on her, especially when she just gave me that sad, knowing smile.

"Eight… It's not gonna be that easy. You ended up in _Hell_, of all places." Yuugi spoke softly, almost uncharacteristically of her. As if to prove that, she brightened up. "Now, enough of that! I went through all that trouble, and I'm thirsty damn it!" She pulled out a… technically it was a sake cup, but it looked more like a bowl. She sat down at the same bar stool from yesterday and looked at me like an excited puppy.

"Yeah, yeah… Coming right up," I couldn't help cracking a small grin. The grin froze on my face as I realized what she said. "Did you just say I'm in Hell?!"

"Well, former Hell, technically. Don't sweat the small stuff," She waved it off. I just stared for a long moment and threw my hands up in frustration, scowling as I looked through the various bottles on display.

How was that supposed to make it better? That just means there are _two_ Hells, and I'm in the older model! What kind of shitty isekai is this?!

* * *

A/N – Hi everyone! I'll be honest, this is probably my least favorite omake that I've written so far. I like the idea of 'Hachiman runs a bar in former hell', but I feel like my actual execution of the idea is kind of boring? Honestly, I think my chapter title was the best part of the chapter. Regardless, at least I've got a good framework down if I want to write more of it. More importantly, I wanted to get _something_ out while you guys are waiting for the next chapter. Times are tough, man. Doing the best I can. Anyways, thanks for reading! See you guys next time!


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